| Written by Amy Storer-Scalia, on 27-08-2007 10:47 |
Five Guidelines for Healthier Relationships
These five simple guidelines can go a long way toward helping you find happier, healthier relationships of all kinds.
1. Speak your heart. This is the most important guideline, hands
down. But, it's the most horrendously difficult, especially when we've
been hurt or triggered by something your friend has said or done.
This guideline comes with a helpful little rule: make "I" statements
rather than "you" statements. For example, stray from comments, such
as, "You’re a thoughtless, selfish jerk for forgetting my birthday."
Instead, use constructive language, such as, "I felt so hurt and not
cared for when you forgot my birthday." If you're really brave, dig
even deeper and say, "It reminded me of being forgotten when I was
little, and it felt really bad. I got scared that you didn’t love me."
Big difference there.
2. Empathize. Just because you show empathy, it doesn't mean that
you're conceding to your friend's opinion. Empathizing does not mean
you agree; it just means you care enough to listen and hear what your
friend is saying. Allow your friend to speak his or her heart. Detach
enough from your own feelings about the situation so you can listen
without judgment. Mirror back what you think you've heard until you get
it right. Then try to imagine how they must have felt and feel it, too.
Share it. Hearts may open, yours included.
3. Maintain your beautiful self. Friendship should never change the
fiber of what makes you "you." It should be a complementing accessory
to your fashionable outfit. Miracle-Gro for your garden. Coffeemate in
your coffee. It supplements what's already there.
Keep that in mind when you enter a new relationship, or evaluate your
existing ones, and feel like the outfit is being overhauled instead of
accessorized, your garden is being uprooted or your coffee is turning
into an iced mocha. Unhealthy relationships often cause one to change
too much of who you are to make the other person happy, assimilate to
their lifestyle or agree with their views. Some change is to be
expected, but too much is not too good.
Here's a test. Ask them to do something you like to do that may not be
"their style." Such as going for a run, scrapbooking or going to your poetry club meeting. If
they completely turn you down or make fun of you for asking, they
aren't respecting you or the things that make you unique. If they
express to you that your chosen activity isn't something they're used
to, but ask you to teach them sometime, that's a good start! If they
want to compromise and try something completely new for the both of
you, that's good, too. If they try it once just because they know you
enjoy it so much, and want to fully understand it too, you know you
have a high-quality friend on your hands.
4. Avoid the blame game. Blaming every little glitch in the friendship
on your friend is so temptingly easy, but it's a crock, as well as a
brilliant way to avoid looking at your own painful stuff. It might help
to keep this little maxim in mind: Where there is judgment, there is
fear. If you're feeling judgmental, take it as a golden opportunity to
look more deeply into what's really eating at you. What triggered you?
What old feelings does this situation bring up? When something hurts or
bothers you in the relationship, see no. 1 above and speak from the
heart about it.
5. Own up when you’ve messed up. Many of us get so caught in the trap
of striving for perfection that we can't even admit to ourselves when
we’ve made a mistake. But perfection isn't the goal: authenticity is.
And we can get pretty snarky when we sense a friend is still upset with
us after we've apologized: after all, we said we were sorry,
didn't we? But an apology without empathy is useless.
It's painful enough to deal with our own hurts, but really allowing
ourselves to feel the pain we have caused someone we love is
excruciating, which is why we avoid it at all costs. It takes largeness
of heart and spirit to admit when you've been in the wrong, to
empathize, apologize and really mean it.
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